Hi, I’m Jenny Wegner. I’ve helped people with eating disorders for over 17 years. Today I want to talk about something many of my clients struggle with: dating.
Dating is hard for everyone. Dating with an eating disorder can feel impossible. You might wonder if you should even try right now. I understand this worry.
I’ve sat with hundreds of clients who ask me these questions:
- “Should I wait until I’m fully recovered to date?”
- “How do I handle dinner dates when I’m anxious about food?”
- “When do I tell someone about my eating disorder?”
- “Will anyone accept me with all my struggles?”
These are all valid concerns. Your eating disorder has likely touched every part of your life. Dating is no exception.
But here’s what I want you to know — you deserve love and connection. Right now. As you are.
Your eating disorder is something you’re working through. It is not who you are. It doesn’t make you unworthy of love.
In this post, I’ll share what I’ve learned from my clients who date during recovery. I’ll offer practical tips to make dating less scary. And I’ll help you see how relationships can actually support your healing journey.
The path isn’t always easy. But I’ve seen many people find loving relationships while still working on recovery. You can too.
Why Dating Feels Hard When You Have an Eating Disorder
Recovery already asks so much of you. You’re learning to feed yourself properly. You’re challenging negative thoughts. You’re feeling emotions you may have numbed with your eating disorder.
Dating adds another layer of complexity.
Here are four reasons you might find dating difficult when you have an eating disorder.
There Is the Fear of Being Seen
When you have an eating disorder, being truly seen can feel terrifying. You might worry about:
- What your date will think of your body
- How they’ll react if they notice your food behaviors
- If they’ll judge you for your struggles
These fears are common. Many of my clients tell me they feel exposed on dates. They worry their eating disorder will be the only thing a potential partner notices.
Dating Is Often Food-Centered
Our culture centers many dates around food. Dinner dates. Coffee meetups. Cooking together. Ice cream walks.
These scenarios can trigger anxiety when you have meal plans or fear foods. You might worry about:
- What to order
- Eating “normally” in front of someone new
- Feeling bloated or uncomfortable after eating
- Explaining dietary needs without revealing too much
One client told me she would research restaurant menus for days before a date. Another would skip meals before dinner dates. Both approaches only increased their anxiety.
Dating Takes Energy
Recovery takes significant energy. So does dating. When you combine them, you might feel drained.
On difficult recovery days, you may already struggle with following your meal plan, managing anxiety, fighting negative thoughts, and basic self-care.
Adding dating to this mix can feel like too much. But this doesn’t mean you can’t date. It means you need strategies to protect your energy.
Dating Involves Vulnerability
Eating disorders often develop as a way to control difficult feelings or situations. Dating requires the opposite — openness and vulnerability.
Sharing your authentic self with someone new can feel risky. You might fear rejection if someone sees the real you.
One client described this fear perfectly — “I spent years hiding behind my eating disorder. Now I’m supposed to let someone see me without that shield? It’s terrifying.”
The Surprising Benefits of Dating During Eating Disorder Recovery
Despite these challenges, dating during recovery isn’t all struggle. In fact, many of my clients find that dating actually enhances their healing journey in unexpected ways. Here are a few of them:
You Practice Vulnerability
Yes, vulnerability is scary. But it’s also a skill you can develop. Dating offers a chance to practice being open in small, manageable steps.
Each time you share something authentic about yourself, you build this muscle. You learn that connection happens when we let our guards down — not when we’re perfect.
Many clients tell me that dating helps them realize they can be accepted as their true selves. This is powerful healing.
You Learn to Communicate Needs
Recovery teaches you to identify your needs. Dating helps you practice expressing them to others.
When you say things like:
- “I’d prefer to meet for a walk instead of dinner this time”
- “I need to stick to my meal schedule today”
- “I’m feeling anxious and need some space”
You build confidence in your voice. This skill transfers to all areas of your life.
You Get Real-World Exposure
In therapy, we often work with hypothetical situations. Dating provides real-world exposure to practice your recovery skills.
Think of dates as field trips for recovery. They offer opportunities to:
- Challenge food rules in social settings
- Practice body acceptance when appearance anxiety arises
- Use coping skills when emotions get intense
You Find Identity Beyond Your Eating Disorder
When your life has revolved around food, exercise, and body image, it’s easy to lose sight of who you really are.
Dating helps you rediscover your interests, values, and personality traits. As you share these aspects of yourself with others, they become more real to you too.
Many clients tell me they enjoy feeling like “a normal person” on dates, rather than “someone with an eating disorder.” This shift in identity is crucial for lasting recovery.
When You Might Need to Wait On Dating With an Eating Disorder
While dating can support recovery, there are times when focusing solely on healing makes more sense. This doesn’t mean forever — just for now.
Signs You May Need More Recovery Time
Trust your gut on this. You know yourself best. But here are some signs I’ve observed that might indicate waiting is wise:
- You’re in the early stages of recovery with unstable eating patterns.
- You’re currently at a medically concerning weight.
- You experience frequent, unmanageable anxiety around food in social situations.
- You feel compelled to hide or lie about significant eating disorder behaviors.
- You’re frequently using dating to avoid recovery work.
- You lack support systems outside of potential romantic relationships.
A client decided to pause dating when she realized she was choosing partners based on whether they would “allow” her eating disorder to continue. This insight helped her refocus on recovery.
How to Know When You’re Ready
There’s no perfect time to start dating. Recovery isn’t linear. But these signs suggest you might be ready:
- You can maintain your meal plan even during stressful times.
- You have reliable coping skills for anxiety.
- You’ve practiced vulnerability with friends or family.
- You have a stable support system.
- You can identify and express your needs.
- You see yourself as more than your eating disorder.
Remember: you don’t need to be “fully recovered” to date. Many people successfully date during recovery. The key is having enough stability to maintain your progress.
Building Your Foundation First
If you decide to wait on dating, use this time intentionally. Focus on building your relationship with yourself.
This might include strengthening your support network, developing hobbies unrelated to food or exercise, and practicing self-compassion daily. You should also consider working regularly with your treatment team and clarifying your personal values during this period.
Practical Dating Tips for Those With an Eating Disorder
If you decide you’re ready to date, these practical strategies will help make the experience more enjoyable and less stressful.
Planning Food-Related Dates
Food is part of social life. You don’t need to avoid restaurants forever, but you can be strategic. Consider suggesting coffee instead of meals when first getting to know someone. This takes the pressure off while still allowing for conversation.
Then, looking at menus ahead of time can reduce anxiety. Having a go-to order for particularly anxious days also helps. Remember that eating a small snack before the date can prevent hunger from amplifying your anxiety.
One client created what she called her “first date formula”: coffee at 2 pm (between lunch and dinner) at a cafe she knew well. This reduced her anxiety until she felt comfortable with more variety.
Activity dates can be great alternatives. Walks in the park, museum visits, or mini-golf let you connect without food as the focus. These options give you space to enjoy getting to know someone without the added pressure of eating together.
Managing Anxiety
Date anxiety is normal for everyone. With an eating disorder, it can be even more intense. Try scheduling dates at times when you typically feel most emotionally stable. For some, this might be mornings — for others, afternoons work better.
Plan something enjoyable both before and after the date. This gives you positive bookends to look forward to. Practice grounding techniques you can use discreetly, like deep breathing or feeling your feet on the floor.
Having an exit plan helps reduce anxiety too. Know how you’ll leave if you need to cut the date short. Text a supportive friend before and after for added reassurance.
Remember that perfect dates don’t exist — even for people without eating disorders. Everyone has awkward moments. Everyone gets nervous. You’re not alone in this.
Setting Boundaries
Boundaries protect your recovery. It’s okay to limit how long you spend on a date. It’s okay to need space between dates to recharge. And it’s absolutely okay to be clear about topics you’re not ready to discuss.
One client told her dates upfront, “I’m not comfortable with comments about my body or what I’m eating.” This simple boundary saved her from many potentially triggering situations.
Your recovery comes first. If a situation threatens your meal plan or emotional wellbeing, you have every right to say no or change course.
Being Gentle With Yourself
Dating rejection hurts everyone. For someone with an eating disorder, it can trigger harmful thoughts or behaviors. When this happens, treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a good friend.
Dating rejection is never about your worth as a person. One awkward date doesn’t mean all dates will be awkward. Recovery isn’t perfect, and neither is dating.
Self-care after difficult dates is essential. This might mean journaling, calling a friend, watching a favorite show, or scheduling a therapy session.
As I tell all my clients: progress, not perfection. This applies to dating too.
When and How to Talk About Your Eating Disorder
One of the most common questions my clients ask is: “When should I tell someone I’m dating about my eating disorder?” There’s no universal right answer, but there are thoughtful approaches.
Timing Matters
You don’t need to share your eating disorder history on a first date. This is personal health information that you get to disclose when trust has been established.
At the same time, if a relationship is becoming serious, keeping your eating disorder completely hidden can create distance. Secrets take energy to maintain. That energy could be better spent on recovery and connection.
Most clients find a middle ground works best. Wait until you’ve established some trust, but before the relationship becomes deeply serious. This might be around the third to fifth date for some people, or after several weeks for others.
Starting the Conversation
When you’re ready to share, choose a private, calm moment. Avoid having this conversation during or right before a meal when anxiety might already be higher.
You might start with something simple like: “There’s something important about my health I’d like to share with you.” Or “I want you to know something about me that’s part of my life.”
Keep your initial explanation brief and straightforward. You don’t need to share your entire history at once. You can gauge their response and share more over time as appropriate.
What to Share
You get to decide how much detail to provide. You might simply say: “I’ve struggled with an eating disorder, and I’m working on recovery. Sometimes this affects where and when I eat, or how I feel about certain situations.”
If they respond with empathy and appropriate curiosity, you can share more as you feel comfortable. This might include:
“I see a therapist regularly to help with this.” “Sometimes I need to stick to certain meal times.” “Certain comments about food or bodies can be triggering for me.”
Share your needs clearly, but avoid apologizing for them. Your needs are valid.
Handling Responses
People will respond based on their own understanding of eating disorders, which may be limited or influenced by stereotypes. Some responses you might encounter:
- “You don’t look like you have an eating disorder.” This reflects a lack of understanding that eating disorders affect people of all body types.
- “Can’t you just eat normally?” This shows a misunderstanding of the complex nature of eating disorders.
- “I had a cousin who had that. She just started eating healthy and was fine.” This oversimplifies recovery.
Remember that these responses usually come from ignorance, not malice. You can choose to educate if you have the energy, or simply note that eating disorders are complex medical conditions that require professional treatment.
The right partner will listen, learn, and support you. They won’t try to fix you or become your therapist.
When to Seek Professional Support for Your Eating Disorder
Dating during recovery can bring up unexpected challenges. It’s important to recognize when you might need additional professional support.
Warning Signs
Pay attention to how dating affects your recovery. Some signs that you might need extra support include:
- Your eating disorder behaviors intensify after dates. Maybe you restrict more, binge more, or exercise more intensely. This might happen whether the date went well or poorly.
- You notice your thoughts about food and body become more intrusive or distressing. Dating can sometimes trigger comparison or heightened body awareness.
- You find yourself canceling therapy appointments or being less honest with your treatment team. This might be a sign you’re prioritizing dating over recovery.
- You start to use dating apps or attention from others as a way to validate your worth. This can become a slippery slope that mimics eating disorder patterns.
How Therapy Helps
Therapy provides a safe space to process dating experiences. In our sessions, we can:
- Work through triggers that arise during dating. Together, we can identify patterns and develop specific coping strategies.
- Practice communication skills for expressing needs to potential partners. Role-playing difficult conversations in therapy builds confidence.
- Process rejection in healthy ways. Dating inevitably includes some rejection, and therapy helps you avoid turning to eating disorder behaviors for comfort.
- Maintain focus on your values and recovery goals. It’s easy to get caught up in dating and lose sight of your broader recovery journey.
I recommend weekly sessions during active dating periods. This provides consistent support as you navigate new territory.
Couples Therapy Considerations
If you enter a serious relationship, couples therapy can sometimes be helpful. This gives both you and your partner tools to support your recovery while maintaining a healthy relationship dynamic.
Couples therapy helps clarify roles (your partner is not your therapist), set healthy boundaries, and improve communication around difficult topics.
Some of my clients find that bringing their partner to an occasional session helps both parties feel more secure in navigating recovery together.
Re-Learn to Enjoy Dating With an Eating Disorder at Jenny Wegner Therapy
Dating with an eating disorder is challenging, but it’s absolutely possible. You deserve connection and love, even as you work on recovery. The journey isn’t always smooth, but each step teaches you something valuable about yourself.
As someone who has specialized in eating disorder treatment for over 17 years, I’ve seen countless clients find meaningful relationships during their recovery journey.
The skills you’re building in recovery — vulnerability, communication, boundary-setting, self-compassion — are the very same skills that create healthy relationships.
If you’re struggling to navigate dating during your recovery, I’m here to help. My practice in Denver offers specialized therapy that addresses dating challenges people with eating disorders face. Together, we can develop strategies tailored to your unique situation.
Take the next step toward healing your relationship with food, your body, and others. Book a free 30-minute consultation today. Or call me at (303) 834-0190 or visit my office at 3600 S Yosemite St, Suite 1050.
You don’t have to walk this path alone. With the right support, both recovery and meaningful connection are within your reach. I’ll see you soon.
