Recently I was at home on a Tuesday, my son was napping and I was doing laundry, getting ready to sweep and scrub the floors, aggressively trying to get as much done in the short window that my son naps in the afternoon as I possibly could. That is my norm on the days that I am home with him. I clean, get supper ready for that evening, and try to check off any “to do” items off my list before he wakes up. What I realized that day however is how most of my days are filled with much of the same. My daily and weekly routine is pretty well set and not much happens outside of that. Nothing is wrong. It doesn’t feel bad. That is just my day.
Earlier that day I had seen a quote that a colleague of mine had posted on Instagram that said, “Nothing has to be “wrong” with you to go to a therapist” and it really got me thinking. How many times in my life have I waited to reach out to others only when I am struggling or having a hard time? Why do I wait until things have become unmanageable to reach out for support? If I think and behave that way, and I am someone that believes in the power and beauty of sharing your story with others; how many other people may be thinking or feeling the same way? Nothing is wrong, I feel fine and then it hit me. Those are the days that I need connection the most.
This particular Tuesday I was doing great, but it reminded me of so many other Tuesdays when I was a complete mess and I was not ok. Days where we didn’t get out of our pajamas until noon. There have been so many moments since having my son that I felt such loneliness being home with him that I would cry on and off throughout the day. There were so many days that I felt such “cabin fever” because we couldn’t go out because of weather, or sickness that I could not wait until my husband got home for the evening so I could finally get a break. Those are the days that I reached out for support. Those are the days that I called my therapist and said I needed to come in and see her. Those are the days that felt unmanageable. I know I will feel those days again, and I need to learn how to take care of myself on the days that I don’t feel in crisis; to be able to use those tools and strategies to get me through the days that are hard. That is where the “nothing has to be “wrong” with you to go to a therapist” comes into play. Because I don’t want to feel the loneliness of those really hard days. I don’t want to feel so incredibly disconnected from others. I know those days will happen again. What I want to be able to happen is my ability to cope with it better than on those days. I want to be able to have tools and strategies in place so on the days that I am losing my mind I can find better ways to deal with it.
The “norm” of therapy goes like this, when things get hard is when you start therapy. When you start feeling better is when you stop therapy. But, the true beauty of getting to know yourself is when the tough stuff subsides and you get to work on the “real” stuff. The in and out and in between stuff that you don’t usually share with others about your daily life. Your emotions do not stop just because they are not as heightened as they were while you were in crisis mode. Just because you are not currently struggling doesn’t change thee fact that you may have set backs and side steps that will rattle you and you will need to summon up the courage and find a way to get through them again. I like to use therapy as a metaphor. On days of struggle it feels like the wound is open, exposed and you may need stiches. You get the stitches and you start to heal. You don’t take the stitches out before you are done healing. You let them do their job. And then once you take them out you continue to cover your wound up with a Band-Aid so you do not face infection. You keep that Band-Aide on as long as it takes for the wound to heal. Therapy is just like that. When you start feeling better your “stitches” have started the healing process. Your presenting problem may feel that it has subsided. When you get the stitches out and put the Band-Aid on you are starting to find tools of coping so you know how to care for yourself in the future to allow for lasting change.
I know for sure that Tuesday that I felt fine is because I have put in the work to find ways to cope to feel better. I have spent much time outside of crisis, tears and loneliness figuring out how to be able to do things better, different. That is what I am encouraging you to do. You may not feel that there is anything wrong right now. That is when the real work can begin.